Kids with Anxiety Part 4: Gratitude

Studies have shown the power of gratitude to combat negative thought patterns and reshape the brain.  Your brain can't be in gratitude and worry at the same time, so gratitude is a great way to overcome anxiety.

But, how do you teach an anxious kid to replace negative, repetitive thoughts with gratitude?

Here are three easy ways!

1.  Family Meal Gratitude Rituals

www.amandarosewellness.com/blog/2014/gratitudeexercises

Studies show that children who have healthy, daily rituals function better in the world.  Many families say a prayer before meals.  If your family already does this, you can easily add a gratitude ritual before or after the prayer.  If your family doesn't say prayers, this ritual can stand on its own.

We started a gratitude ritual in our family for two reasons.  First, A, my youngest son, who was about 10 at the time, had become increasingly negative.  A complained A LOT about EVERYTHING!  It was very frustrating.  Serendipitously, I was in yoga teacher training at the time and learning about the yamas and niyamas for the first time, and I was assigned to write a paper on Santosha (contentment).  Through this research and writing process I realized that Santosha was what our family needed so we began two new dinner rituals.  We call them "Good Thing" and "Looking Forward To."

Good Thing is when each of us tells something good from our day, essentially something we're grateful for.  J almost always says something about video games or food.  A often says something about the food, but sometimes he says something about his day.  C says something different every day.  My husband and I try to say something often about the kids or each other.  This gives us a chance to demonstrate gratitude in front of the kids every day!

We had to make a couple of rules.  Your good thing has to be something different than the day before.  It should be something from that day.  You can't just repeat what the person before you says.  It has to be positive and as specific as possible.

We start this ritual by asking, "What's your good thing today?"  We go in order of youngest to oldest.  When we have visitors, we ask them to participate as well.  This has been a blessing for our family and friends!

Here are some things our family and friends have said:

• time with family and friends
• time with Mom
• new friends
• winning a game
• playing well in a game
• being able to watch one of the kids play a game
• good food
• chicken
• pizza
• school/work being over
• feeling better
• waking up this morning
• breathing
• having someone else cook dinner

Looking Forward To is about hopefulness.  At the end of the meal, each person says what they're looking forward to that day or in the next few days.  J almost always says "sleep" or "freedom" (meaning he'll be able to leave the table and do something else or he'll be done with his chores).  Everyone else has a variety of responses.

We start this ritual by asking, "What are you looking forward to?"  Again, we go youngest to oldest.  The kids aren't allowed to leave the table until everyone answers, unless they're doing dishes.

We have had lots of different answers!

• Carowinds (an amusement park in Charlotte)
• hiking
• playing with friends
• going to Grammy's house
• holidays
• freedom
• snack
• Tony's Ice Cream
• Sweet Frog (for straight A's)
• cuddle time
• sleep
• the weekend

A still complains sometimes, but these rituals seem to have helped him.  They also bring our family closer and help us all remember the good things in our day.

2. Practicing Gratitude Throughout the Day

www.beleaderly.com/4-reasons-to-lead-with-gratitude

Practicing gratitude throughout the day is good for everyone.  It gives you lots of opportunities to demonstrate and teach gratitude.  There are three ways to start practicing gratitude.

1. Say your own gratitudes OUT LOUD and OFTEN.  We often don't realize how much time we spend complaining about the driver in front of us or the long lines.  Instead, look for opportunities to say you're thankful, especially if your kids are with you.  

• "That lady was really nice to let that man out onto the highway." Pointing out something nice done for someone else.
• Wave to the person who let you out and say "Thank You" out loud, even though the driver can't hear you. 
• Tell stories about times that people have done nice things for you throughout your day.
• Point out nice things that people do for you or others like holding the door  or letting you ahead in line.
• Thank people for doing their jobs.

2. Turn complaints into gratitudes.  When your child complains about something, see if you can get them to also say something good.  For example if he says, "I don't like Grammy's house because it's boring." You could ask about how she buys him special food he likes and other special things she does for him.  Don't let this turn into a battle, though.  If the child makes one complaint, you can tell one positive thing and then move on to something else.

3. Practice gratitude when they're happy.  Sometimes kids get stuck in the habit of only saying negative things.  You can lead them to positive things by asking open ended (not yes/no) questions:

• What was your favorite part of the activity?
• What nice things did you see people doing?
• What positive thing will you remember about today?

If you have multiple children, start with the one who is most likely to give you a positive answer or ask your spouse the question first and then go around and have everyone answer.

3.  Start a Gratitude Journal with Your Child

charlesngo.com/30daychallengegratitude

My gratitude journal changed my life!  I can look back and clearly see that when I started keeping a gratitude journal, my thought patterns changed.  Not only is this good for anxiety, it works for depression as well!

When my daughter C started showing signs of anxiety a couple of years ago, I started one with her and she has told me how much it has helped her.  She has kept her journal largely on her own.  I helped C set it up and gave her some helpful hints, but she does it on her own now.

Anxious kids need structure, but they also need to be allowed to "break the rules." If things are too structured, it can make them more anxious about trying to meet what they see as unreasonable expectations.  I gave C the basic outline for the journal, but was sure to tell her that she didn't need to do it every day.  I told her that the more she did it, the better she would feel, but if she was too tired or didn't feel like it, she should skip it.

The structure C uses has three parts

• Gratitude: 3 things I am grateful (thankful) for today
• Self Acknowledgement: 3 things I did well today
• Intention Setting: 1 intention for tomorrow

For the gratitude section, I encourage C to be specific.  Instead of saying, "Savannah" (our cat), maybe say something like, "Cuddling with Savannah because it makes me feel better." 

Self acknowledgement can be hard for anxious kids, but it's very powerful.  At first, I had to give her lots of examples and be sure to point out things she did well throughout the day.  Now that she's 13, she needs this pointed out less for her journal, but more for her self-esteem.  We also talk a lot about accepting a compliment even if you don't believe what the person is saying.  A compliment is a gift and denying the good thing the person is telling you as like throwing a gift in someone's face.  It's not nice.  If we can learn to hear the compliment and just say "Thank you," eventually, we can start to believe these good things about ourselves.

Intention setting seems to be easier for kids than adults.  Adults often try to turn this into a to do list, rather than a positive intention for the day.  C often writes things like 

• Say hi to a new person at school
• Try my best at Volleyball
• Be nicer to my brother
• Smile more

This journal can be very powerful for a child with anxiety or depression.  The parent may need to write it for the child at first, especially if the child is young.   The more control the child asserts over the journal, the more powerful it will be!

How do you teach your children about gratitude?  How has gratitude changed your life?

Kids with Anxiety Part 3: Meditation

So far in this series on helping kids with anxiety, we looked at breath practices and yoga poses.  In this post, I'll share meditation ideas that help kids with anxiety.  

There are lots of different types of meditation.  For a great resource that includes audio and text guided meditations, check out Sharon Salzberg's book Real Happiness.  This is a practical, non-religious book that teaches different types of meditation for everyone!  It is written for adults, but I've used many of these ideas with kids.

According to Sharon Salzberg, there are three main skills needed for meditation: concentration, mindfulness, and lovingkindness.  We will start with concentration.  First, we work on sustaining the child's attention on something.  This can be focusing on the breath using one of the breath practices, focusing on an object (like a candle, stone, or statue), focusing on the sound of your voice as you read them a guided meditation, or some combination of these.  Guided meditations can help kids sit still longer because they are similar to listening to a story.  The objective is to keep the attention coming back to the focus.  Even though minds will wander, we keep coming back to the focus.

Many kids have trouble sitting still so it's important to have realistic expectations for how long they can sit.  You may start with only 30 seconds and work your way up to 3 or even 5 minutes!

If the child has trouble sitting up straight (yoga poses will help with this) then, it's okay to let her sit in a chair or against a wall or lay comfortably on the floor or bed.

Meditating is often easier for kids after they've moved around some.  They could do some of the suggested poses, take a walk, sing, or jump on a trampoline.  We want to set them up for success and letting them burn off some of their energy out first is a good start!

Once the child has moved around, have him sit or lay comfortably.  My daughter really enjoyed sitting and having a candle to focus on during meditation.  My son preferred to have his eyes closed and lay down.  Guide the child through a few breaths with longer exhales or use one of the breath practices.  The first few times you try meditation with your child, you may want to use a script for guided meditation.  Avoid music if possible because it can be distracting, especially for beginners.

What follow is a sample guided meditation script.  Feel free to change or adapt this to fit your needs.  You can read it word for word, but the parts in parentheses are just helpful hints for you.

Sample guided meditation script:

Take a comfortable seat or lay down on the floor.  You can close your eyes or soften your gaze downward (or look to an object if you're using one).  (pause)  Today, I'm going to guide you in a short meditation.  This just means we'll sit quietly and think about our breath for a few moments.

Begin by taking a deep breath in through your nose and slowly letting it out through your mouth. (Do this with the child.)  This is called a cleansing breath.  Let's do that one more time (do this with the child again).  Now, begin to breathe in and out through just your nose (unless they have a cold or sinus issue).  You can breathe in for a count of 4 (do this with the child) and out for a count of 6 or 8 (Sometimes it helps if you exaggerate the sound of your breath so they can hear you a few times.)  (pause for a few breaths)

Begin to concentrate on the way your breath feels.  Think about the air coming in your nose, going down your throat, and filling up your chest.  Notice it leaving your lungs, coming up your throat, and going out through your nose.  (pause) Pay attention to the temperature and feel of the air as it comes in and goes out.  Notice if it feels cooler or warmer at different parts of the breath.  Notice if the air feels dry or moist.  (pause)

(If this was enough for your child, skip to the closing.  If not, you can continue here.)  Think about your breath and notice where you feel your breath the easiest.  It might be in your nostrils, your throat, your chest, your belly, or somewhere else.  Bring your attention to this spot. (pause) Think about how the air feels when it passes this spot.  Notice if the temperature or feel of the air changes. (pause)

Think about your belly.  You can even put your hand on your belly if it helps.  Feel your belly rise and fall as you breathe.  (slowly in time with the child's breath) Rise and fall.  Rise and fall. It moves like a wave at the beach.  The air is coming in and out.  In and out.  In and out. (pause)

(Closing)  Begin to take deeper breaths.  (pause)  Wiggle your fingers and your toes.  (If the child is laying down, have him roll onto his side and lay for a moment or two before sitting up.)  Bring your hands to heart center. (pause) When you're ready, you can open your eyes.  Thank you for allowing me to lead you in your meditation practice today.  The light within me honors the light within you.  Namaste. (The child repeats the word "namaste," which means the light within me honors the light within you.)

When you're ready for a more advanced meditation with your child, you can try Lovingkindness meditation or one of the great ones from Sharon Saltzberg's book.

How did these techniques work for you and your child? Do you have any anxiety relieving ideas that work for your kiddo?

Kids with Anxiety Part 2: The Yoga Poses

In Kids with Anxiety Part1: The Breath, I gave some ideas about how to use breathing techniques to help a child who has anxiety.  Breathing practices are one part of yoga.  When we say the word "yoga," most people think about the poses, but there are actually 8 main parts (limbs) of yoga.  Breath (pranayama) is one limb and the poses (asana) are another.  In another post, I'll explain all 8 limbs of yoga.  In this post, I will discuss yoga poses that, when combined with the breath, can help a child with anxiety.

Connecting movement and breath is what can make yoga a type of meditation.  Many call it meditation in motion.  Concentrating on the breath while in the pose helps the child to stay in the present moment.  If she is only thinking about the future or the past, she is not in the here and now.  Bringing the attention to the breath helps her stay in the present.  For kids who have anxiety, the movements and poses of asana connected with their breath can help them to settle their minds and break the cycle of worry. To connect the breath and the pose, the child can take a certain number of breaths in the pose feeling her belly rise and fall or move from one pose to another using her breath as a guide for her movement.

Lots of poses can help a child with anxiety.  He should find something that feels comfortable while still stretching his body.  It's this combination of ease and effort that makes yoga so wonderful for the body and mind!  The following are some suggested poses.

Easy Seated Pose

Many kids call this pose "criss cross applesauce." The picture is my son J who has a form of autism.  Ideally, he would be sitting up straight for easy pose, but the important thing is that he's doing yoga.  He's sitting still and he's breathing.  He's out in nature and he's happy.  This is great!

Jaxson has his hands in anjali mudra (at heart center), but the hands could be in any number of mudras (I'll discuss these in another post) or even just resting on the legs.  Comfort and stillness are the main objective.  Thirty seconds to 3 minutes of stillness and breath would be ideal!  If your child can sit longer, that's great too!

Downward Facing Dog

www.healthline.com/health/parenting/yoga-for-kids

Downward dog (down dog) is an upside down V.  The child presses her whole palm into the floor while keeping her legs as straight as possible without hyper-extending the knees and pressing her heels toward (but not on) the floor.

This pose stretches lots of different muscles.  If the child needs to move in the pose, she can walk her dog by pressing one heel toward the floor while bending the opposite knee and then switching with the breath.  Tying the breath to this movement can help the child to stay in her body and out of her anxious mind.

Warrior 1 & 2

www.healthline.com/health/parenting/yoga-for-kids

Warrior 1 and warrior 2 work together to form the warrior series.  The feet stay firmly planted with the front foot straight ahead and the back foot turned slightly in.  The front knee bends until it is directly over the front ankle.

For warrior 1, the hands reach up to the ceiling with the shoulders relaxing down and the ribs are turned over the front leg.  The child should take 2-3 full, slow breaths here before moving into warrior 2.

For warrior 2, he turns his ribs so his shoulders are directly over his hips and he is opened out to the side.  His arms reach out to the sides and his gaze is turned over his front arm, in the same direction as the bent leg.  He should stay here for 2-3 full breaths before switching feet so he can do the warrior series on the other side.

Child's Pose

Many children (and adults) find this pose to be quite calming. The big toes should be touching, but not crossed.  The knees can be together or apart and the hips are sinking down toward the heels.  The forehead is on the floor with the arms stretching forward, wrapped around to touch the heels, or resting on the floor.  If her head won't comfortably reach the floor, a yoga block or rolled blanket can be placed under her forehead. The child can breathe here for several minutes.

The pressure of the forehead on the floor calms the nervous system. Having the head below or even with the heart, lowers the blood pressure to help calm a nervous child.

Legs Up the Wall

This pose is a favorite of many kids (and adults).  This is usually the first pose that I can get people to practice at home for two reasons:  it feels good and it works!

The child can lay on his back with his legs as flat against the wall as possible.  His bottom should be against the wall.  If this causes strain in the hamstrings (back of the leg), a block or rolled up blanket can be placed under his lower back.  The feet are flexed.

This pose relaxes the nervous system.  It can lower the blood pressure and relax the heart rate.  And this pose helps with insomnia when done for a few minutes before bed or when waking up in the middle of the night.  Many students have found this pose to be quite effective!

Savasana

Savasana is sometimes called corpse pose, resting pose, or sleeping pose.  For this pose, the child lays flat on her back allowing her feet to flop out and her arms to flop away from her sides.  She can close her eyes or soften her gaze downward.  The main idea with this pose is to relax.

Savasana and easy pose are great for meditation and breath work.  In savasana, the child can easily draw her attention to the movements of the belly and chest while breathing.  Guided meditation and deep relaxation can be used in these poses as well.  (Another article will cover guided meditation and relaxation for kids with Anxiety.)

These poses are great for kids (or adults) with anxiety.  Regular, daily practice is the best way to help children who have anxiety.  This practice should not be long.  Fifteen minutes or so may be ideal, depending on the age of the child.

What poses have you found helpful for your anxiety?

Chronic Pain

Yoga for chronic pain is coming soon!  Please check back or subscribe to get updates!  :-)

Kids with Anxiety Part 1: The Breath

I received my first question! It's about how to help a pre-teen with anxiety. I'm writing this blog with a child in mind, but all three of these techniques work for just about any age, including adults.

Hi Rhonda!! I love your blog idea! ... Listen, one thing happened today and I need some advice on how I could help him, preferably with yoga:
My son (now 9) is very sensitive and anxious (just like myself). Today, he has heard wild stories of those "horror clowns" and this freaked him out. He hardly watches TV and he is not interested in social media so most/all of this is going on in his mind...How can I ease his uneasiness with the evil he hears of in school etc.? Any good tips that work for kids of his type?Thank you!! S

Thank you for writing to me!  It is common for a child with anxiety to have a parent with anxiety.  My daughter, my mother, my sister, and my grandmother have all dealt with anxiety and depression.  Practicing anxiety busting techniques together may help both of you!  In order for these techniques to be effective, they need to be practiced for a few minutes every day when the child is not upset or anxious.  This helps kids learn the techniques and connect them with calmness and good times.

The first area to help a child with anxiety is the breath.  Before we can address the current trigger (scary clowns), we must first help your son to relax.  For anxiety, we want to make the exhale longer than the inhale because a elongated exhale tells our brain that we're safe.  If our brain thinks we're safe, it stops releasing stress hormones.  There are lots of different types of breath that have a longer exhale, but there are three that I would recommend for kids with anxiety:  counting breath, ha breath, and Kaki breath.

Counting breath is exactly what it sounds like.  The child counts the length of her inhale and her exhale, breathing in and out through the nose.  Slowly she tries to lengthen her exhale so it's twice as long as her inhale.  For example, if she inhales for a count of four, then she will gradually lengthen her exhale to a count of 8.  She can continue breathing in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 8 until she feels calm. This breath is great for busting anxiety because of the focus on the lengthened exhale.  Focusing on counting the length of the breath also gives the child's brain something to do in order to shut down the worrying.

The next breath is ha breath.  For this breath, the child breathes in deeply and then breathes out slowly with a "haaa" sound, like a long sigh.  Inhale through the nose, open the mouth and exhale making a long "haaaa" sound.  The child can repeat this breath until he feels calm. This breath also concentrates on extending the exhale and calming the nervous system.  The slight vibration of the sound also helps in calming anxiety.


For older kids who may want to be more private about their anxiety, Jodi Geoghan, advanced therapeutic yoga teacher, says you can use this breath in public without anyone realizing it by pretending there's something stuck on your phone screen.  Kids can inhale through their nose and then exhale their ha breath onto the phone or i-pod screen.  They can then wipe the phone on their shirt or pants to finish "cleaning" it.  This way, it simply looks like he's cleaning his phone, rather than dealing with his anxiety.


The last breath is Kaki breath (pronounced kŏ-kē) .  Kaki breath is like breathing through a straw. To beat anxiety, the child breathes in through the nose and out like she is holding a straw between her lips.  When the lips are pursed tightly, it slows down the rate of the exhale, telling the brain that she is safe so no more stress hormones are needed.  The child can hold her hand about 6 inches in front of her face and blow the air onto her hand.  This helps her to become aware of her breath and gives her something to focus on.
 

To help with the triggers for the anxiety, I recommend the book, How to Tame Your Thought Monster by Katie McClain. I don't make any money off of the purchase of this book.  It's just a great book that helps children, including my daughter, overcome anxious thoughts with a systematic and fun approach.  It's great for grown-ups too!

Next time, I'll share yoga poses to help kids with anxiety!