2016: My Year of Letting Go

As this year comes to a close, and I look back over what I've learned and accomplished, one theme stands out: Letting Go.  Not that I'm done learning to let go; attachment to people, things, and thoughts has been a struggle for me for many years. But this year, I took control. I sought out skills and teachers. I got help in learning to let go. And it worked! I feel more free, less afraid, more calm, and less anxious. My life is better now than it was at this time last year because I'm practicing the art (and science) of letting go!

At the beginning of 2016, I started an online course on Daily Om called "A Year to Clear What is Holding You Back."  I did over half of the daily clearing exercises until I felt I was ready to move on. This program focuses on the emotional attachment to stuff, which leads to clutter.  I have an attachment to papers.  There is still a pile of papers on my counter.  Although, the program didn't help me get rid of my current pile of papers, it did help me get rid of the pile that had been there for years and my attachment to it.  This new pile is because I've stopped the 1 minute daily clearing ritual, which I clearly need to begin again!

This year, I also started seeing a therapist.  Deborah has been amazing for me!  I firmly believe that every human should have a therapist.  We all need a person to talk to who doesn't judge us, who gives us sound advice when we need it, and who is always there (as long as we make an appointment) when we need them.  This seems like an inalienable right!

I started seeing Deborah when I was getting ready to leave for a yoga therapy training and I was becoming so anxious that I wasn't functioning well and was considering cancelling my non-refundable trip.  I said, "The timing for this trip is terrible.  J is in trouble at school and I'm the only one who can handle him.  My family needs me!"  Deborah said, "I think the timing is perfect."  I didn't agree.  But I went.

And she was right.  The timing was perfect!

My family was fine without me for two weeks, which was both bitter and sweet. My husband and J's teachers were able to get J back on track.  The kids made it to school every day on their own.  Shane provided mostly healthy dinners for the family and was home to help with homework and go to games.  I was glad to know they could handle life without me, but doesn't that mean I'm unnecessary? Replaceable?  

This was part of my letting go this year.  My family proved that they could handle things without me, but they also made it clear that they preferred having me home.  I was able to let go of some of the things I had been doing for them like waking them up or making sure they were ready on time.  They could do that on their own.  This meant that I had time to meditate and write in my journal in the morning!  This process has helped us all grow!  

I also got to let go of the idea that I'm the only one who can handle J.  Shane did just fine without my input.  He's a great dad!  His teachers also handled the situation without me.  This meant that I could go to more trainings and know that J would be okay.  It also meant that he's one step closer to being the independent adult we'd like him to be.

After I returned from my training and saw Deborah for a few sessions, I spoke with her about my phone phobia.  I am trying to build a yoga business, but I struggled to answer the phone when I didn't recognize the number or when certain people who I felt were unpredictable were calling.  I knew that this was brought on by a particular trauma.  Deborah recommended EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming).  It sounded awful "woo woo" to me, but I was desperate so I told her I'd consider it.

In the meantime, I attended a training in Chicago on using yoga techniques to help people with anxiety. This training was amazing!  The trainer mentioned eye focusing as a technique for calming anxiety.  I asked about the connection to this and EMDR.  She became quite excited and the class discussed EMDR briefly.  Afterwards, another trainee told me about her experience with EMDR and how it helped her social anxiety.  I decided to look into it more and by the time I arrived home a week later, I was ready to try.

 It took Deborah and I three sessions to process this first trauma.  It went quite smoothly!  (I will go into the details of my experience with EMDR in another blog post.)  At first, I still felt nervous when answering the phone, but I was able to make myself do it.  With more time and with positive phone experiences, it became easier and easier.  Now I can answer the phone right away!  I only get anxious when it's my ex-husband calling, but even that is more manageable.

Since I was able to let go of the trauma that caused my phone anxiety, I decided that I wanted to try an older, more traumatic issue.  I was raped during my freshman year of college at a fraternity party in 1990.  I was 18.  More than 25 years later, this event still seemed to affect me.  Years of talk therapy and healing helped, but that rape was still part of my daily life. I honestly didn't realize the extent of how much it affected me until after I finished this second round of EMDR.

The second trauma took 4-5 sessions to process. (I am told it usually takes many more sessions.)  I almost didn't go back after the first session.  It was awful!  I had nightmares and flashbacks worse than before.  I avoided being touched at all.  I felt anxious all the time.  It was almost unmanageable.

After a heart to heart with my husband, I decided to go back for another session.  I had started this round of EMDR for a reason and I couldn't keep feeling the way I was, so I figured the best thing to do was finish it.  It definitely was!

When I went back, we spent a whole session talking about how I was feeling.  We didn't do any EMDR that session, but it was part of the process.  This talking helped me immensely.  I needed to talk about all the feelings I thought I had let go of years ago.  I needed to talk about how I was being affected.  And mostly, I needed to hear that it was normal, that it was all part of the process.

When I went to therapy the third time, we started back to EMDR.  I was scared, but I tried to be courageous.  I got frustrated that the feelings I felt in my body didn't seem to be leaving. (I'll explain this more in the next blog).  It just seemed to get stuck at my throat and it didn't completely go away when I left therapy.  I didn't like it, but it was manageable.  So I went back.

The EMDR worked!  I have now had sex (awesome, mind blowing sex) with my husband many times and I'VE HAD NO FLASHBACKS! None!  Zero! There has been no crying afterwards.  No yucky feelings.  It's just pleasant and yummy sex with the man I love!  Sex rocks!

So, my therapist Deborah and EMDR helped me to let go of two traumas.  One that was holding me back professionally and one that was holding me back privately!

My life is better than it was a year ago.  I have let go of pain and trauma.  I have let go of control and attachment.  2016, the year of letting go, has brought me closer to the real me.  I am love!



What did you learn in 2016?  What has helped you to get where you are now? My sister shared this poem http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/she-let-go/ about letting go with me today. What can you let go of that's not serving you today?

Kids with Anxiety Part 5: Relaxation

Initiating Relaxation

The key to overcoming anxiety is to learn to initiate relaxation.  Sometimes being quiet and still can be difficult for kids, but for those with anxiety, it can be even more of a challenge.  In this blog, I'll focus on a tool called yoga nidra, which is a deep relaxation.

We start the relaxation response by breathing, as I discussed in Part 1.  Movement often helps kids with anxiety.  Some helpful yoga poses were covered in Part 2.  Relaxation is different from the other meditation we discussed in Part 3.  In that meditation, we were trying to help the child to focus, while in relaxation, we're trying to help the child to let go.  Gratitude (Part 4) is both a tool for changing the way the mind thinks and something to focus on, as well.  This blog focuses on total relaxation (yoga nidra).  Ideally, a person in yoga nidra is neither fully awake nor fully asleep, but it's really okay if the child falls asleep.  In fact, I see it as a compliment when students fall asleep.  It means I have helped them to truly relax and that they trust me enough to completely let go.

In order for children to relax completely, they must feel comfortable and safe. Then, they can begin to draw attention to specific parts of their bodies and hopefully relax them.  Since the mind is busy concentrating on specific parts of the body, it can't be worrying.  As the body relaxes, so does the mind!

5 Parts of Yoga Nidra

This basic yoga nidra includes five parts: breath focus, body scan, rotation of consciousness, journey, and return.  The breath focus is similar to what we did in Part 1.  The body scan is a quick release of tension throughout the body.  The rotation of consciousness is a fancy term for a very slow, very specific body scan.  We ask the child to bring his attention to each part of his body, one at a time.  The journey is a description using all of the senses.  In our example at the end, we have an open-ended description of a place the child feels safe in.  The journey can describe anything, but it's important that it's a place the child enjoys and feels safe.  The return is when we bring the child back into the room and the present moment.  A basic yoga nidra script is included at the end of this post.

Getting Comfy

Begin by having your child lay comfortably on her back on the floor or bed.  If she has an eye pillow, she may want to place it across her eyes or forehead.  Her back may feel more relaxed if a pillow is placed under her knees.  If she's comfortable, it's best not to have a pillow under her head.  Ask her to close her eyes or lower her gaze. Remind her that she always has a choice.

Advanced Yoga Nidra

You can extend the length of the rotation of consciousness as the child learns to relax for longer periods of time.  You can extend the pauses between body parts by waiting 1-3 breaths before naming the next part.  You can also be more detailed with the parts you name.  For example, instead of just saying "ear," you could say, "ear lobe, the folds of the ear, the inner ear, the sounds coming in your ear." You can also extend the journey to include more detail.  For this blog, the script will be basic and best for beginners.

Yoga Nidra Script

Move in any way that will make you a little more comfortable.  We are going to start Yoga Nidra.  This activity will help you relax.  If you can, try to stay awake.

(Breath Focus) Think about your breath.  Notice how it feels as it comes in your knows, travels down your throat, and fills up your chest.  Maybe you feel your belly get bigger too.  Then feel the air as it goes out.  Your belly and chest relax as the air leaves your lungs and travels back up your throat and out your nose.  (pause)  Feel your breath come in (pause) and go out (pause for several breaths).

(Body Scan) Slowly think about each part of the front of your body, starting at the top of your head, and relax it.  Your face (pause), your chest (pause), your belly (pause), your arms (pause), and your legs (pause).  When you get to your feet, begin think about the back of your body and relax it.  Your legs (pause), your bottom (pause), your back (pause), your arms (pause), your neck (pause), the back of your head (pause).  Relax your whole body (pause for several breaths).

(Rotation of Consciousness) Think about the top of your head (pause).  The spot where your head touches the mat (floor or pillow) (pause).  Your forehead (pause), your eyes (pause), your nose (pause), your cheeks (pause), one ear (pause), the other ear (pause), your mouth (pause), your chin (pause).  Your whole face (pause).  Your whole head (pause).

Think about your neck (pause), your chest (pause), your belly (pause).  Think about your upper back (pause), your middle back (pause), your lower back (pause).  Think about your right shoulder (pause), your right arm (pause), right hand (pause), your fingers (pause).  Your whole right arm (pause). Think about your left shoulder (pause), your left arm (pause), left hand (pause), your fingers (pause).  Your whole left arm (pause).

Think about your right hip (pause), leg (pause), foot (pause), toes (pause).  Your whole right leg (pause). Your left hip (pause), leg (pause), foot (pause), toes (pause). Your whole left leg (pause). Your whole body (pause).  Your whole body together (pause).

Let your body feel heavy like it's sinking down into the mat, down into the floor (pause).  Relax (pause).  Feel heavy. (pause for a few breaths)

(Journey) Think about a place where you feel safe and comfortable (pause).  Picture this place in your head (pause).  Try to use all of your senses to make this place really clear in your mind (pause).  Imagine what you would see in this place (pause).  Imagine what you would smell (pause), what textures you might feel (pause).  Imagine what you might taste in this place (pause) and the sounds you might hear (pause).  If you want, you can imagine yourself walking around in your safe place (pause).  Maybe you are picking things up and looking at them (pause).  Maybe you are just resting there (pause).  Whatever you are doing, you feel safe and secure in this place (longer pause).

Remember that you can come back to your safe place any time you need to (pause).  It is always there for you (longer pause).  

(Return)  Begin to take deeper breaths (pause).  Bring yourself back into this room, the real room that you are in (pause).  Wiggle your fingers and toes (pause).  Stretch in any way that feels good to you (pause).  Roll on to one side for a moment and begin to notice the light in the room (pause).  Push yourself up to a comfortable seat (pause).  Thank you for allowing me to lead you in yoga nidra today.  The light within me honors the light within you.  Namaste.

Thank you!

Have you tried Yoga Nidra before?  How did you feel afterwards?  Did you try this script with your child?  What did they think of it? I'd love to hear from you!